Helping Your Children Understand Dementia

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Children are remarkably observant and responsive to their environments, so it is important to be honest with your children about their relative’s condition. You will need to explain that their loved one’s strange behavior, sudden anger or repetitive questions are a part of his sickness and not something he or she is doing on purpose. (One parent very insightfully explained that even though grandpa’s ability to think clearly was gone, he still had the ability to love). In fact, children can often draw out the loving side of a person with dementia, especially if they have learned that there is nothing to fear from the unusual behavior they may observe.

It is a good idea to ask children now and then what they think about the caregiving situation. Upon hearing that dementia is a disease, many children worry that they might catch the illness, so it is good to explain that this is not a contagious condition. They likely observe any stresses that you are feeling, and as is common of children, may interpret this as something they have caused. It is important, therefore, to ask them about their feelings and really listen to what they say. They may not want to talk when you ask them, but it does help them to know that you are open to hearing their thoughts. Often, they will decide to share their feelings and concerns at odd times, maybe when you are cooking dinner or driving somewhere. When they do, seize the opportunity.

Children generally like to feel included. There are things that children can do, no matter how simple, to help you care for an ailing relative. A toddler might snuggle with your loved one or bring him a snack. As they get older, your children might involve your loved one in activities such as drawing pictures or cutting out shapes. Teenagers may feel open to pitching in, or they may feel embarrassed by their relative’s behavior. It is important to respect their wishes in this regard.

You may want to take time to share your memories of your loved one before dementia by showing your children pictures and telling them about positive times you had together. Also, it is important to share your own sadness or frustrations; this may help older children feel more comfortable telling you about their feelings.

When caring for a relative with impairments, it is easy to ask your healthy family members to take a back seat for a while. Children cannot be placed on the back burner for longer than a few weeks without consequences. They need to have time alone with you to do something fun and centered around their world. They may feel jealous, confused or embarrassed by your loved one’s behavior. They may even seek attention by acting out or misbehaving at school. Invest in specific one-on-one activities with each child will help everyone to make it through this caregiving period.